Monster Blood II
Monster Blood II
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Book information
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Even Andy can't save this book from Troy's ire.
Transcript[edit | edit source]
Front Tagline: He's one hungry hamster!
Back Tagline: It's Baaack....
Official Book Description:
Evan Ross can't stop thinking about Monster Blood and what happened last summer. It was so horrible. So terrifying. Too bad Evan's science teacher doesn't believe him. Now he's stuck cleaning out the hamster's cage as punishment for making up stories.
Then Evan's friend Andy comes to town, and things go from bad to worse. Because Andy's got a present for Evan. It's green and slimy and it's starting to grow...
Brief Synopsis:
With there being only three more shopping days until Martin Luther King Jr Day, you're probably already in the holiday spirit and asking, "What Goosebumps book can I read that has the most dream sequences?"[1][2] Perhaps you remember the mind-blowing double dream sequence in the first Monster Blood? Well, Monster Blood II starts things off right by unbelievably featuring another double dream sequence.
In keeping with the tradition that whoever ghostwrites the sequels must keep as tenuous a relationship with the original text as possible, the age of Evan's dog Trigger has actually decreased. Ponce de Leon[3] Evan is playing with Trigger when he notices his dog has gotten larger. Ever the keen observer, he picks up on this while inside his giant dog's mouth. Evan frantically begs Trigger not to bury him in the backyard. These cries of protest are another brave tribute to the slain Dr. King. But Evan's teacher Mr. Murphy doesn't kinder to his progressive city folk ways. Evan is after all a recent transplant to Atlanta and is not used to their strange customs, like not falling asleep in class and then broadcasting what happens in your dreams by yelling. Mr. Murphy mocks Evan for having fallen asleep in his class. The book posits that the reader is supposed to feel sympathy for Evan, but of course a teacher is right to mock a student who falls asleep in class. Evan musters all his wit and calls his teacher dumb. Whoa there Evan, save that barb for the Friars Club.[4]
Mr. Murphy punishes Evan by forcing him to stay after class to clean out the cage of the class hamster, Cuddles. Evan defiantly walks up to the hamster cage, plucks Cuddles from the wire structure, and hurtles him out the open window. Oh but then that is also dream.
In the hallway after class, Evan is tripped by a bully with the unlikely name of Conan Barber. Evan helpfully informs the reader that everyone refers to him as, you guessed it, Genghis Sean.[5] When Evan first arrived to Atlanta, he tried to tell Conan the Barbarian-- as he is obviously called, and which should be a joke but isn't-- the story of his adventure with Monster Blood. However, after careful consideration of Evan's story, Conan declared that he "doesn't like wise guys"-- it's safe to assume that Evan didn't accurately represent the events of the first book if anyone is throwing around the word "wise" in response-- and beat him up. Well at least some positive elements have been carried over from the first book.
After helping Evan up off the floor, Conan offers him a free punch in retaliation for the tripping. Evan gets unrealistic notions of grandeur and lightly taps Conan with his fist as Mr. Murphy wanders by. Mr. Murphy scolds Evan for taking out his aggressions [sic] on innocent classmates and sends him back into the classroom to begin the hamster cage cleaning.
Evan is even worse at cleaning a hamster cage than he is at not being a total loser, so he manages to lose the hamster. Eventually he tracks down the little guy and then proceeds on a chase that is neither funny nor exciting, For the skeptical:
The fat hamster isn't getting away this time! Evan decided jumping up and starting to chase after the creature. I'll catch him if I have to sit on him.
A picture flashed into Evan's mind of Cuddles, flat as a pancake after Evan had sat upon him. A little, round, furry hamster rug.
Oscar Wilde, Evelyn Waugh, Stella Gibbons, Dorothy Parker, RL Stine.[6]
Evan must have been channeling Nostradamus[7] earlier because Cuddles escapes out the window. This leads to an even unfunnier chase in the playground:
"Know how to catch him? " a joker named Robbie Greene called out to Evan. "Make a sound like a sunflower seed!"
"That's an old joke!" a girl called out to Robbie.
That's an old joke where, a David[8] factory in the Catskills?[9] Eventually Conan catches the hamster and demands that Evan sing a song to get Cuddles back. This is one erudite bully. Before Evan can emasculate himself any further, Mr. Murphy shows up again and prissily repossesses the hamster.
Walking home from his miserable day, Evan runs into Andy and not a moment too soon, because I'm not sure I could handle one more page of this loser without Andy there to make fun of him. Fitting with the common Goosebumps motif of abandoning your children, Andy's parents are living overseas for a year. She tells Evan she just arrived at her aunt's and will be starting at his school on Monday. Andy reveals that she's also brought something else with her from home that might help Evan out. No, not a stack of Sassys[10], it's the old tin of Monster Blood. The two friends examine the empty can in the middle of the woods, only to discover that the can has now magically filled with Monster Blood, again, for no reason other than that this book is called Monster Blood II. Andy and Evan bury the tin in the woods.
Back at home, Evan visits his father, who has been crafting giant abstract sculptures out of sheet metal in the garage. Evan pauses in front of a giant aluminum cylinder that his dad calls "the Wheel," which has been accepted into an art competition held at Evan's school. Wait, his father entered a middle school art show? I sure hope he can beat crayon Thundercats drawings and construction paper chains!
The next day at school, he bumps into Andy in the hall, but can't chat because he's on his way to try out for the basketball team. Andy doesn't take the bait but I will: Evan has about as much a chance of making the NBA as Stine does.[11] As soon as he enters the gym, Evan is felled by Conan, who throws a basketball into his face.
If you thought Conan's name wasn't improbable enough, meet his friend, Biggie Malick, who tells Mr. Murphy (who is also the basketball coach) that Conan was just tossing Evan's face the ball in a friendly manner. Mr. Murphy's coaching style consists of his yelling things RL Stine overheard on a TV in Foot Locker, like "Defense, I want to see defense!"
After practice, Evan shows Andy his hand, which had been crushed by Conan in condolence after he failed to make the team. In yet another example of why Andy is the best character ever, she tells Evan his hand looks like "a wilted petunia." Andy comes up with a plan to get back at Mr. Murphy: They'll dig out the Monster Blood and feed a small bit of it to Cuddles, just enough to turn the hamster into the size of a dog. However, when the two go to retrieve the Monster Blood, they discover it's been swiped, presumably by Conan. Evan accuses Conan of stealing the Monster Blood and Conan retorts by stuffing Evan into a locker, which is totally plausible.
Andy and Evan decide to break into Conan's house to steal back the Monster Blood. Evan complains that it's too dark to see anything and Andy snaps back that "It usually gets dark at night." I'll say it again, why is she not our protagonist?
After Conan and his parents leave, the two prepare to sneak inside when Trigger arbitrarily shows up. Leaving the dog outside, the two sneak in and make their way upstairs to Conan's room. Andy spots the tin of Monster Blood next to Conan's tennis trophies (the school bully plays tennis?) and Evan decides to open the lid and stick his fingers inside for no reason other than to get them stuck inside the can. Naturally Conan and his parents arrive home while the two kids are still inside, forcing Andy and Evan to sneak out the window and cling perilously to the concrete ledge outside Conan's window. Conan turns on some rap music and begins singing and dancing. Mercifully, Conan's parents call him downstairs to enjoy some cake and ice cream, presumably because they heard him chanting "It's your birthday" and believed him.[12] Evan and Andy sneak back inside and make their way out of the house.
Andy manages to pull the tin of Monster Blood off Evan's hands and Evan makes Andy promise to bury the Monster Blood. She reluctantly agrees. The next day, Evan stays home sick, so he's quite shocked upon his return to school to see that Cuddles has grown to the size of a rabbit. Evan knows the Monster Blood is responsible, but Mr. Murphy blames Evan for overfeeding him. Evan feels betrayed by Andy, whom he is sure is behind the hamster's growth.
The next morning, Evan sneaks out early to check on Cuddles. As soon as he enters the science room, Cuddles breaks out of the wire cage. Evan thinks quickly and grabs a dog leash (Why was there a dog leash in a science room?), tethering the dog-sized hamster to Mr. Murphy's desk. Evan skips class and meets Andy after school. She cops to having fed Cuddles the Monster Blood and insists she did it as a goof. Apparently Mr. Murphy became very proud of his giant hamster and was showing him off.
Evan meets Andy outside her aunt's early the next morning so the two can check in on Cuddles before class starts, but Andy has to change clothes and they end up arriving at school on time-- just in time to hear Cuddles, who is now ten feet tall, break free of Mr. Murphy's leash. Mr. Murphy tries to hold off the giant hamster like a lion tamer. He brandishes a chair and uses the leash as a whip. Cuddles simply takes the chair from the teacher and chews it to bits. Evan remembers that his father's sculpture is in the gym and it resembles a giant hamster wheel. For those of you who saw this coming, congratulations, you're not an idiot!
Andy and Evan wheel the giant sculpture up to Cuddles, who rather than run on the wheel, tears it apart. Then the giant hamster picks up Conan and prepares to eat him. Conan cries like a little girl and I guess the reader is supposed to achieve some form of satisfaction from this, but I think if a sixth grader is about to be eaten alive, it's okay for him to cry. Evan comes up with a new plan: He'll eat some Monster Blood, grow bigger than Cuddles, and then lock him in the supply closet. Well, I actually can't find anything in that plan to make fun of. Oh wait, I mean, What.
Evan and Andy run to her locker, which explodes open with a wave of ever-growing Monster Blood. Evan scoops a big handful of the goop and shoves it into his mouth. He starts to grow and makes his way towards the classroom. He confronts Cuddles, who is now roughly the same size as Evan, and the two start to wrestle. Unfortunately, Evan stops growing and the hamster easily overpowers the 10ft Evan. All hope seems lost when suddenly a loud popping noise is heard and both Evan and Cuddles shrink back to normal size. Evan walks over and easily captures the small hamster. What caused them to return to their normal size? Andy picks up the can and sees that the current date is also the Monster Blood's expiration date. Ultimate What.
But the Twist is:
Evan is haled as a hero for the way he ate some stuff and Mr. Murphy even rewards him by giving him Cuddles as a gift. Andy has also received a gift from her parents, a can of Monster Blood they found in Germany. Andy promises she won't use it, but she did already open the tin to sneak a peek. The book ends with Cuddles eating more Monster Blood. No one cares.
the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship:
Evan Ross and Andy, who reappears halfway thru the book.
Questionable Parenting:
No, really, you're allowed to take your children out of the United States.
Questionable Teaching:
Why does Mr. Murphy nonchalantly accept Cuddles' growth spurt? Wouldn't the science teacher be the first person to acknowledge that hamsters don't grow to the size of a dog overnight?
Early 90s Cultural References:
Day-Glo clothing, Michael Jordan, rap music, cake and ice cream, Monster Blood
Number of Dream Sequences:
5
R.L. Stine Preemptively Sticks It to the Blog Alert:
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor," Mr. Ross muttered with a frown.
Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 16/17:
Evan is falling off the ledge. Evan is not falling off the ledge. Suspense!
Great Prose Alert:
He wanted to wipe the grin off Conan's handsome face with his fists.
Conclusions:
An astonishingly bad book, Monster Blood II is twice as bad as the first book and it takes almost forty pages before Andy shows up to salvage what's left.
Comments[edit | edit source]
An annotated list of blog comments that received official replies can be found here.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ A reference to Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous "I Have a Dream" speech.
- ↑ Phrases like "shopping days until" and "holiday spirit" are normally associated with Christmas.
- ↑ Spanish conquistador who attempted to find the legendary fountain of youth.
- ↑ A well-known and well-regarded New York comedy club.
- ↑ A bait-and-switch, as remarked upon in the very next sentence; this is a pun on Genghis Khan, the notorious 12th century Mongolian conqueror.
- ↑ The first four are well-known for their wit and talented writing. Stine... less so.
- ↑ Michel de Nostradame was a 14th century Frenchman who wrote about what be believed to be prophecies.
- ↑ A name brand sunflower seed.
- ↑ A mountain range area in upstate New York.
- ↑ Teen fashion magazine published in the late 80's and most of the 90's.
- ↑ The joke here depends on the fact that "NBA" can refer to the famous basketball association as well as the National Book Award (as the link says). Evan is a loser who will probably never make the NBA, and Stine will likewise probably never win the aforementioned award.
- ↑ A reference to "In da Club" by 50 Cent, which goes:
Go Shorty, it's your birthday
