Monster Blood

Whiny loser Evan Ross and snarky lass Andy find and are subsequently terrorized by a curious substance whose name should be obvious by now.

Transcript

Front Tagline: It's a monster blood drive!
Back Tagline: Blood, Blood, Everywhere...

Official Book Description:
While staying with his weird great-aunt Kathryn, Evan visits a funky old toy store and buys a dusty can of monster blood. It's fun to play with at first. And Evan's dog, Trigger, likes it so much, he eats some!
But then Evan notices something weird about the green, slimy stuff--it seems to be growing.
And growing.
And growing.
And all that growing has given the monster blood a monstrous appetite...

Brief Synopsis:
First let me talk to you about Juno, In Theaters Now. Just joking.
In another lovable Goosebumps twofer, the book opens with both a new house being purchased and the child protagonist spending time with a distant relative. 12 year old Evan is being dropped off with his creepy old aunt Kathryn for a few days while his parents go house-hunting in Georgia. Kathryn is an eighty-year old deaf woman who never learned to read lips or use sign language, so she is naturally the first person you think of when looking for a temporary guardian for your child. When we first meet Kathryn, she's busy cutting up meat in the kitchen and greets her guests with a bloody knife. Man, everyone was cashing in on the OJ trial in the mid-nineties.

Evan has brought his cocker spaniel Trigger with him for company, and there are some tense moments where Evan thinks his aunt is going to kill and eat his dog, but that's a different book. Evan's aunt wants him to tie up the dog in the backyard so it won't chase around Kathryn's black cat, Sarabeth. Evan decides instead to take Trigger for a walk around the neighborhood, where he meets a cute girl his age. Andrea is dressed in yellow and black spandex and leggings, so it's no surprise that Evan crushes on her since what is more attractive than dressing like the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video?. She flirts with him in that way kids do by calling everything stupid, including her full name. She tells him she goes by Andy, which is apparently less stupid? When Evan "hilariously" tells her his name is "Evan Stupid," she giggles and proclaims it's really stupid. Also the dog is stupid.

Evan gets all excited because no one back home ever laughs at his jokes and so he readily accepts her invitation to accompany her into town. She rides her new bike quickly to town, forcing Evan and Trigger to run alongside the entire way. Never fails that the bitchiest characters in these books are always Blogger Beware's favorites.

Once in town, Evan quickly takes inventory of the shops. There's a video store, but he figures his aunt probably doesn't even have a VCR. Hey, I have a pretty good idea what movie Andy would rent. Andy reveals that she has to buy a gift for her cousin's birthday (it's unclear if it needs to be a stupid gift), so they stop in one of the two (!) toy stores downtown. Inside Wagner's Novelties & Sundries, the kids find a metal can with the label "MONSTER BLOOD: SURPRISING MIRACLE SUBSTANCE." Shockingly, this is not considered stupid by Andy, and she throws a fit when Evan buys the only tin of Monster Blood. The shopkeeper tries to stop the purchase and warns them not to return the tin if they take it home and discover it doesn't work. This of course begs the question, how would one know the difference between working and faulty Monster Blood? "I took this home and well, frankly, I think this Monster Blood is broken. It has the potency of Creature Blood at best."

Evan takes Andy back to Kathryn's house so they can investigate the tin of Monster Blood. Andy thinks Kathryn's house is super cool and dreams about being able to read all the leather-bound books on magic that line the shelves. Andy's stupid/not stupid cred is in serious danger by this point. Upstairs the kids uncap the tin and discover a Gak-like glowing green substance. It bounces, glows in the dark, and is cool to the touch. Because the Monster Blood leaves stains on the floor and wall, they decide to take it outside. They roll the blood up into a ball and bounce it back and forth amongst themselves. There are pages and pages of these two playing with Monster Blood, and they are every bit as exciting as you'd figure. Finally, Trigger grows weary and decides to further the plot by eating a gob of Monster Blood.

The next morning, Trigger isn't feeling well so Evan treks out into the neighborhood by himself. He runs into two fourteen year old twins. They're dressed in black and are the type who would have worn JNCO jeans and Juggaloed their faces had they been born five years later. Rick and Tony Beymer harass the wimpy Evan, who tries to joke with the two bullies. Unfortunately Rick and Tony don't laugh like Andy because they don't have a crush on him-- though they do want to crush him.

Luckily for Evan, Andy comes to his rescue. Andy tries to scare away the twins but they just turn their attention to pestering her. Thankfully, the twins just swipe her bike and don't hit her, because what kind of worthless human being hits a girl -- but she does get knocked down in the scuffle. Infuriatingly, Evan doesn't get involved. He just stands there and watches the whole thing. She runs home to clean her scraped leg but she probably leaves just as much out of embarrassment for Evan.

Back home, Evan finds Trigger choking in the backyard. It seems either the dog's grown larger or the leash has grown smaller. I swear to God it takes Evan like forty pages to make the connection between his growing dog and the Monster Blood it ingested. Oh wait, I'm sorry, ***SPOILER ALERT***

The next day, Evan helps Andy rescue a cat from a tree. And by help I mean he does what he does throughout the novel, stand around while someone else does something. He also spouts very credible dialog, suggesting they should call the "ASPCA"-- because twelve year olds often drop that particular acronym in casual conversation. After Stine finishes cribbing from childhood story-lines that make Denis [sic] the Menace look fresh, the kids abandon the cat and go back to Evan's to play with the Monster Blood some more. Oh good! More pages of kids playing with stuff!

They discover the tin of Monster Blood is now overflowing with the green goop. Also, the gelatinous substance is no longer cool to the touch, but instead feels disturbingly warm. This is not enough however to discourage the kids from having a Monster Blood fight. The two fling Monster Blood at each other inside Evan's room. I can see how this book inspired three sequels.

After their fight, which is described as "hilarious" in the book, the two start to clean up their mess when they hear a horrifying howl from down below. Evan rushes to the window with Andy right behind him. Andy points out that Evan's dog has doubled in size and indeed he has. The dog, who is now the size of a pony, rushes out of the backyard. Evan and Andy try to run after it, but they don't get very far before Trigger turns into a horrible monster. And then Evan wakes up.

Now, I know that's a pretty insulting dream sequence, but it looks like Spellbound compared to what comes next. Evan wakes up from the dream and realizes that the bed he's in is too small. He's a giant monster or something! Then he wakes up again. Now, not to get all Primer on you, but I have a hard time figuring out whether what came before the earlier dream sequence was a dream or not, and at what point reality ceased-- because the cat in the tree adventure was not what I'd call a phantasmagoric sequence of events.

I read so many terrible dream sequences in these books that I thought it only fair to add a dream sequence to this blog entry.

BLOGGER BEWARE DREAM SEQUENCE
Evan wakes up and tells Andy he's moving to Georgia. He hands her the Monster Blood and says, "I'm going away forever to be passive and whiny in another state. Here, since you're the best character in Goosebumps history, you take over the book and the three that come after it-- readers will like you a lot more than they like me, some annoying wuss."
Then the car he leaves in explodes. As his spirit leaves his body and ascends into Heaven, Heaven explodes, ensuring that Evan can never, ever appear in another Goosebumps book.
BUT THEN IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM

But actually, what follows might as well be a dream for how little is shares in common with reality. Evan and Andy take Trigger to the vet. By themselves, these two kids just schedule and show up for a vet appointment. The doc tells them the dog is just having a rare growth spurt and sends them on their way, no charge. I had no idea this book was taking place in Mayberry. Andy rushes off to her piano lesson, apparently unaware that The Werewolf of Fever Swamp.

Left alone, Evan decides to buy himself an ice cream treat at the local market. He leaves Trigger tied up outside. When he returns with his ice cream sandwich, Ricky and Tony are stealing his dog. Evan whines about how they probably shouldn't and one of them knocks the ice cream sandwich out of his hand. The reader probably shouldn't be applauding this action, but I know I was. Trigger gets angry and once let loose, chases after the twins. Evan becomes terrified as he remembers how this happened in his dream-- except for that it didn't happen at all like that in his dream. Evan worries that he might turn into a monster. I hate this kid so much.

Back home, Evan calls Andy and asks if he can see her. He says it's an emergency. Once he arrives at her house, he shows her his bucket full of Monster Blood. Apparently the Monster Blood is growing at such a rate that he had to transfer containers. He's right, it was an emergency.

He begs her to take some of the Monster Blood. She agrees to take a coffee can's worth. However, when she scoops the can into the bucket of Blood, the Blood scoops back. Andy freaks out as the Blood sucks the can right into the middle of the bucket. When Evan fishes his hands in to retrieve the can, he tells her he can feel the suction, like it's alive. She tells him to stop talking, not because what he's saying is frightening but because Jesus Christ he is so annoying.
As Evan is leaving Andy's house, the twins surprise him by beating the crap out of him. And they literally beat him up and it's described in more violent detail than these books often give. The reader isn't supposed to enjoy this scene, but did I ever. If we're stuck with this loser for three more books, I hope these twins come back three times to kick his ass. The twins scatter as Andy comes out to play Hero to his Damsel In Distress again. As she helps Evan scoop the Monster Blood back into the overturned bucket, Andy comes up with a foolproof plan: they'll just return the Monster Blood to the toy store! Um, I seem to remember something about No Refunds, which coincidentally should have been the tagline for this series.

Evan sneaks back home and realizes he needs to find a new container for the ever-growing Monster Blood. He empties the bucket into an old bathtub in the garage. Suddenly Sarabeth, the cat, pounces on him and he falls into the tub of Monster Blood. Evan narrowly (rats) escapes getting sucked into the muck.

The next morning at breakfast, Evan decides he has to tell someone else about the Monster Blood. He writes Kathryn a brief note on a legal pad and she just laughs at him and his imagination. Evan calls Andy to see if she's ready. She suggests he use a plastic lawn sack to carry the Monster Blood. The two drag several lawn bags worth of breathing Monster Blood down several blocks to the toy story, which turns out to be closed forever. I guess that two toy stores in one small town business model was bound to backfire eventually. The two lug the sacks all the way back to Kathryn's house. Well, that was a fantastic ten page scene that had no relevance to or impact on anything that came before or after it. The two empty the lawn sacks into a metal garbage can. As soon as they clamp shut the lid, Kathryn runs out of the house waving a yellow sheet of paper. Evan's mother just sent a telegram that she'll be coming to pick him up that day. Wait, a telegram? Maybe this is set in Mayberry.

Evan is so excited that he runs to tell his dog the good news. Wow, what a wonderful sentence. When Evan opens the gate, he sees that Trigger has actually doubled in size 4 realz y'all. The beast leaps out of the backyard and into the streets. Evan runs after him but trips and knocks the trash can over. The large mass of Monster Blood spills out and tries to swallow him. Evan moves out just in time and he and Andy run down the street as the large rolling ball of Monster Blood moves quickly after them. They run into the twins who make some fairly non-credible threats, as they are shortly swallowed up by the Monster Blood. The kids stop to stare at the still outlines of the twins' bodies inside the giant heap of Monster Blood. The kids split up so that at least one of them have a chance, but Kathryn chooses this time to stick her head out of the house. The Monster Blood rolls into the house after Kathryn.

Now, I've read a lot of these books, and I can often predict what's going to happen, but every once in a while there comes an ending so spectacularly stupid that no sane individual could have foreseen it. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the conclusion of Monster Blood.

The kids run into the house to save Kathryn, or at least Andy does and Evan is there to watch. They spy her trapped in a corner, the huge round blob of Monster Blood about to engulf her. She cries out that she's responsible for the Monster Blood and she'll have to pay with her life. Evan gets pissy and accuses his great-aunt of trying to kill him by casting a spell on the Monster Blood. Kathryn insists it wasn't her who cast the spell. She points towards the other side of the room and cries out, "It was her." Andy is the one who cast the spell.
Except, no, wait for it.
She's pointing to Sarabeth the cat. The cat did it. What.

The cat turns into a beautiful young woman wearing a black cape. Kathryn explains that twenty years ago, Sarabeth cast a spell on her that made her a slave. She also made her deaf and refused to let her learn sign language or lip-read so she could control her better. How was Kathryn able to do evil bidding if she couldn't even hear orders? Oh wait, here I go asking logical questions again. Sarabeth didn't allow Kathryn to have any visitors, and so when Evan showed up, Sarabeth insisted she cast a spell on the Monster Blood to get rid of him. Kathryn tells Sarabeth that she's going to end the spell by letting the Monster Blood swallow her, thus ending Sarabeth's hold on her. Sarabeth tells her that she's still going to kill the kids.

Sarabeth raises her hands and commands the Monster Blood to kill the children. Andy and Evan brace for their murder when suddenly Trigger leaps through the door and pushes Sarabeth into the Monster Blood. Sarabeth is completely engulfed in the ball of Blood. Trigger quickly shrinks back down to normal size and the kids look over at the dwindling ball of Monster Blood. The two twins get spit out and they immediately run from the house. Let this be a cautious lesson for bullies everywhere: Don't pick on kids who deserve it because you might get murdered by a sorceress's enchanted gelatin. As everyone takes a breather from their adventure, Evan's mom wanders in and asks why those two boys just ran from the house. Knowing those two, they're probably running off to go lean on some cars.

But the Twist is:
Andy and Evan say their goodbyes. Evan tells her he would like to write to her and she says she'll be busy washing her hair. Actually she seems to really like him, so I guess nobody's perfect. She tells him that her father has one of those phone cards so she can call him. It's pretty cute even if this loser doesn't deserve it. She asks him one favor though: she'd like to keep some of the Monster Blood as a souvenir. When they go to collect the Monster Blood, they discover it has vanished.

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship:
Well it ain't platonic, but Evan and Andy, whose bike disappears halfway thru the book.

Questionable Parenting:
Evan's parents are aware that they allow children in the state of Georgia, right? Actually, I don't blame them for wanting to dump him off for a week.

Early 90s Cultural References:
Indiana Jones, VHS tapes, Monster Blood

Early 1890s Cultural References:
Telegrams, Novelties & Sundries

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 2/3:
Evan has gone blind! Oh wait, no, a cat has just landed on his head.

Great Prose Alert:
"Oh. Look. The Monster Blood."

Conclusions:
Monster Blood is a terrible book and guilty of all of the worst traits in this series. The protagonist is easily the most unlikable of any Goosebumps book and I dread the next three weeks I have to spend with him. This is somewhat countered by Andy being the best character in a Goosebumps book, but even she can't save the ludicrous plot and horrible prose. I remember liking this one as a kid, I imagine most of you reading did, but sometimes the blog shows us the bitter truths behind our false memories. Thank God Andy comes back for the sequels, I don't think I could go it alone.

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Trivia

• Andy would become something of a running gag, being Troy's favorite character in the entire series.
• This blog post mentions Monster Blood 46 times. 47 if you include the entry's title, and 48 if you also count the cover image.