Return to Ghost Camp

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Return to Ghost Camp
Return to Ghost Camp.jpg
Book information
Number 19 (Series 2000)
Released: July 1999
Blog date: December 17, 2008 (~16 years ago.)
Preceded by: (The) Horror(s) of the Black Ring
Followed by: Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid!

Following this review, Troy wouldn't update the blog for over 100 days, the longest gap in updates up until that point. Perhaps this was indicative of Troy losing steam. Please observe a moment of silence for our loss.


Okay, go ahead and read it.

Transcript[edit | edit source]

Front Tagline: Another summer. Another spirit.

Brief Synopsis: Poor Dustin. His parents are forcing him to go to a sleep-away camp, despite the fact that he'd rather not attend. Their reasoning that camp isn't the same as being sent to prison fails to make much of an impact on Dustin, though his little brother Logan does start chanting that Dustin is in fact going to prison after hearing this. Dustin's parents refuse to discuss the issue and his mom writes his name on all his clothes using a Magic Marker, "the kind of marker that doesn't wash off." So... not a Magic Marker then?[1] Before leaving his room for the summer, Dustin stares longingly at a Hulk Hogan poster. Hmm...[Note 1]

The bus for Camp Full Moon picks Dustin up in front of his house, which is about as plausible as what comes next: The bleeding bus driver is revealed to be covered with thousands of fleas... though they are described as having "spindly legs," so I don't know what bug Stine is confusing fleas with here. It doesn't matter since this horror show turns out to be a dream. But in reality the bus still picks him up at his curb, which is surely reason enough to resurrect the ol' What.

On the bus to camp, Dustin immediately befriends the most muscular boy. I guess he's still not sure he isn't going to prison. The boy, Ari, proposes he and Dustin switch identities as "a practical joke," even though it's neither practical nor a joke. Dustin happily agrees because well obviously he wants to be inside Ari. When they arrive at the camp, Uncle Lou, the head of the camp, assigns Ari as Dustin to the crummiest cabin, Comanche, and gives Dustin as Ari the best cabin, Apache. All of Dustin's new bunkmates enthusiastically greet him once they hear he's Ari. Once inside, Dustin is very excited to see a poster of Mark McGwire hanging on the wall of the cabin. Boy, it's not even subtext at this point, is it?

While he enjoys the luxuries of his cabin, Dustin feels bad that Ari was made a Comanche. Of course, he's not half as upset about it as his Uncle Ethan will be.[2] Dustin's bunkmates give him the best bed in the cabin and reveal a trunk of candy just for Ari. In an amazing campfire scene, Dustin tries to convince himself that he's manly and confidant like Ari by not freaking out when a bee lands on his hot dog. Two characters switching places, with one using the opportunity to act more macho, and also there's bees? This is already more a sequel to that book than Ghost Camp.

Oh and then some kid eats some bees. Wait, I mean

BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING
BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING
BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING[3]

Uncle Lou regales the campers with a campfire story about a creature called the Snatcher. Surprisingly, Dustin listens very intently to the story. Funny, I thought it was already well-established that he wasn't interested in snatch--er, anyways, Lou tells the campers that the Snatcher can take the form of anything but prefers a fox. Dustin hears whispers about how the Snatcher is real and takes a kid every year. Naturally, a fox then attacks Dustin. In this case, the fox aggressor brings the blood[4] as the animal scratches up his clothing.

Dustin is rescued by his bunkmates who finally reveal why everyone is treating "Ari" so well: He's the Snatcher's chosen victim this year. The book then takes the predictable trajectory: No one believes he's really Dustin, Ari refuses to switch back, and of course, what Goosebumps book set at camp would be complete without another pay phone scene? Also, someone throws up marshmallows, so there's probably a "Stay Pukt"[5] joke to be made. And just in case you think I'm being ridiculous with this subtext thing, Dustin says this:

"I never really tried to stuff my mouth with anything."

And then the book says this:

They pitched hard. Crashed into each other. Bobbed and reeled. Smacked against the wooden dock.

Maybe Prop 8[6] passed because thousands (I'm being generous here) of kids read this book and tragically confused their dislike for the novel with a dislike of homosexuality.[Note 2] I imagine it's only a matter of time before the Return to Ghost Camp Defense becomes the new Twinkie Defense.[7]

Gradually Dustin realizes everyone at camp is a ghost, which I guess is supposed to be all a sequel to a book called "Ghost Camp" needs. While trying to run away, he meets Laura, a girl from the Girl's Camp, who is also trying to run away. For reasons I don't remember, they put off their escape for a day,[Note 3] which gives Dustin enough time for his younger brother Logan to show up for a visit. Logan greets the real Ari as his brother, but only under the threat of violence. I guess Ari doesn't want to be a victim of a ghost anymore than he wants to lose his fifteen percent.[8]

The night of the big escape, Dustin's bunkmate tries to tell him that they didn't select him to be the victim of the camp but rather the savior. Apparently God based the afterlife on Wild and Crazy Kids,[9] as the ghost kids will only be able to rest if Dustin manages to cross a dangerous river. But Laura insists his bunkmate is only trying to trick him, but regardless he should still cross the river. So, the dramatic moment of the novel comes down to: Will he cross the river, or will he cross the river?

But the Twist is:
He crosses the river! But first, Laura turns out to be the Snatcher. She turns into a fox and attacks, but falls victim to some "scary" zombie hands that emerge from the river and tear her apart. Dustin crosses the river and saves the camp, but then he can't figure out how to cross the river again. An ending that matches the quality of what came before it.

the Platonic Boy-Magic Fox Girl Relationship:
Dustin and Laura, who turns out to be a fox or something most of the way through the novel.

Questionable Parenting:
After he tells her he had a bad dream, Dustin's mom makes fun of him. Spunky mother, gay son, the word "camp" in the title-- maybe this book was salvaged from a scrapped Showtime pilot.

Why Is There A Horse Skeleton On the Cover Alert:
Why is there a horse skeleton on the cover?[Note 4]

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 13/14:
Ari starts to tell a knock-knock joke. OH MY GOD I HAVE TO KEEP READING OR ELSE I'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ORANGE IS AT THE DOOR

Great Prose Alert:
Nobody swallows bees.

Conclusions:
Godhates.png[10][Note 5]

Comments[edit | edit source]

An annotated list of blog comments that received official replies can be found here.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Troy retroactively changed two of the jokes in this review. "Hmm..." was originally "Hmm, maybe he would like going to prison."
  2. This line was revised. Here's the original: "So it's not like I'm seeing something that isn't there. Maybe Prop 8 passed because thousands (I'm being generous here) of kids read this book and confused their hatred for the novel with a hatred of homosexuality."
  3. The reason: Dustin doesn't want to leave without his brother.
  4. Why is there a horse skeleton on the cover?
    ...What if I told you: it's actually just a distorted human skull. (Troy likely mistook the figure's further eye for a nostril.)
    ...We're through the looking glass, people.
  5. At some point, this image was effectively blacked out. It's unclear if this is an error or a revision.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. By the 1990s, "Magic Marker" generally referred to dry-erase markers. However, before the rights were bought by BiC around 1970, the Magic Marker Brand made permanent markers.
  2. This refers to the 1956 Western film The Searchers. At one point, the character Ethan's ranch is attacked by comanches, who kidnap his niece and eventually convert her to their ways.
  3. This is a callback to the entry on You Can't Scare Me!, which ended with a similar screed about BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING.
  4. This plays off of Fox Confessor Brings the Flood, the fourth studio album by alternate country singer Neko Case.
  5. A combination of "Stay Puft" (a fictional marshmallow corporation within Ghostbusters) and "pukt" (a humorous misspelling of the work "puked").
  6. A 2008 bill outlawing same-sex marriage in California. (It was repealed in 2010, though it didn't go into effect until June 2013.)
  7. A legal defense in the 1979 trial of murderer Dan White (after his assassination of gay rights activist Harvey Milk), claiming that sugary foods worsened mood swings and impulses. (Ironically, Twinkies were never given as an example in the trial.)
  8. A reference to the moody talent agent Ari on the sitcom Entourage. Talent agents generally receive a commission for the work they find actors - it is said that it should never rise above fifteen percent, as mentioned by Troy.
  9. A 90's game show on Nickelodeon. It featured physical challenges, often involving slime (as was the network's trademark).
  10. This is a reference to the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, who regularly picket funerals and other events with similarly-designed signs reading "God Hates Fags".