Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid!

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Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid!
Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid!.jpg
Book information
Number 20 (Series 2000)
Released: August 1999
Blog date: June 16, 2009 (~15 years ago.)
Preceded by: Return to Ghost Camp
Followed by: The Haunted Car

This is it. The Goosebumps book so bad it took Troy six months to get through it. Need we say more?

Transcript[edit | edit source]

Front Tagline: There's a new beast on the block...

Brief Synopsis:
Connor Buckley and his friends are bored. So bored. The reader knows they're bored because Connor keeps saying he's bored, over and over again. Sometimes he switches it up and puts it in the present tense:

Bor-rrring.

Sometimes he gently reminds the reader of his boredom:

Did I mention we were bored?

And sometimes he tells us something we could have already guessed:

We were so bored, we were turning stupid.

Connor decides to quell his boredom by dragging his friend Emily Zinneman to neighborhood grouch Mr. Zarwid's yard sale. Costa-Gavras would be proud, as the book is a celebration of "Z"[1]-- besides the characters' last names, the book's action also inspires more than a few ZZZZs in the reader. Hey maybe the book should have been called Z Afraid-- Z Very Afraid! Wait, no it shouldn't have, that's a horrible idea.

At the yard sale, there's nothing but a bunch of junk and tattered clothing-- Be Frayed-- Be Very Frayed! The lack of anything worth stealing doesn't stop Mr. Zarwid from accusing the children of trying to steal something. Connor decides to teach the old man a lesson for falsely accusing him of stealing by stealing something. They've stopped turning, they're there.

The pilfered item is a deck of cards-- though as anyone who has ever been to a garage sale knows, you never ever buy something that contains multiple removable parts like cards or puzzles. Though maybe there can be an exception made for stealing them? The cards are medieval themed, but less Round Table Medieval and more Empty Lunchroom Table Because All the Losers Who Would Have Sat There At the Empty Table Are Reading Those Really Thick Fantasy Novels In the Library During Lunch Period Medieval. Man, six months gone and I still got it! Yes, there are dragons and elves and other creatures competing for space in the dork deck. But wouldn't you know it, the faux-Magic[2] deck is, um, magic.

All the trouble starts when Connor, Emily, and Kyle sit down for a game of Be Afraid. It's like any other game of cards until an excitable dwarf magically appears in their kitchen. Could have been worse, it could have been an excitable Dorf:[3]

Dorf.jpg

As more cards get played, more terrible things happen. Drawing a Knight card produces a group of havoc-wreaking knights... in their neighbor's yard. So, really just a mild inconvenience for the players at that point. In a terrifying scene lifted directly from the very similarly-themed Robin Williams film, one of the kids draws the dreaded Enema Bulb As Clown Nose card.[4] Before more fantastical hijinks can occur, Connor's parents come home and start needling him about the damage done to the house next door. Connor decides not to tell his folks about who caused the mess, though as big Hoosiers fans, surely his parents would have believed a story about an angry Knight.[5]

Mr. Zarwid shows up in a Gorton's fisherman jacket and tells Conner he knows what he did last summer:[6] Not steal his deck of cards, because he saw Connor steal his deck of cards just yesterday. Connor denies it and I'm sure that's the last we'll see of that gruff neighbor!

That night Connor has a dream involving the card game. Like all dreams in Goosebumps books, it is so retarded that it would literally break the internet were I to summarize it. I think someone turned into a dragon or something. That's as close as I'm willing to get. The next morning Connor finds "hundreds" of muddy footprints all over his room, which even within the already tenuous logic created within the world of this book makes no sense and is never mentioned again.

Connor comes down to the kitchen the next morning to find his friends waiting for him. He may have missed out on breakfast but he still manages to waffle when he discovers his pals want to continue the dangerous card game. He tries reminding them about how knights destroyed his neighbor's house but they chalk that up to a coincidence. At no point is the excitable dwarf brought up. Those of you who are concerned about whether or not these characters will continue playing a card game can rest easy as the kids keep flipping over cards, inadvertently summoning a dragon outside. The dragon smashes some cars and tosses back a few knights the kids somehow send in to handle the situation. As things look their direst, Conner gets a brilliant idea: He'll just put all the cards back into the deck. Finally, a horror novel willing to tackle the terror of 52 Pickup.[7]

Once the dragon disappears, the kids swear off playing mythical-creature-conjuring games for good. Connor proclaims that he'll only play Go Fish from that point on. Although, based on how Zarwid was dressed, maybe Connor's already in the middle of a magical version of that card game too. The children decide to give the deck back to Mr. Zarwid. However, around this point they also decide to look at the deck again and subsequently discover that Mr. Zarwid too has a card. He's dressed as a wizard and one of the trio realizes, "Hey, 'Zarwid' is an anagram for 'wizard.'" Wait, does that mean "Drab Barf Aid? Aye, If Ever!" is the real title we're supposed to take away from this book? Connor keeps the card in his shirt pocket in case he ever has to stop a really really really really really really really really weak really bullet.[8]

On the way over to Mr. Zarwid's house the next morning, the kids pass his unopened newspaper in the driveway. Now, I understand why the paper is unopened: The guy's a wizard. He can probably summon the news on his own. But why is he subscribing to a newspaper that he doesn't have to read? ***SPOILER ALERT*** I guess the reason newspapers are floundering all over the country is because all the wizards have already been murdered by plucky child bandits.[9]

The house seems empty, so of course the children break into it and then subsequently appear shocked when Mr. Zarwid interrupts their B+Eing[10] by being mildly annoyed at their trespassing. Instead of embracing the kids for their assorted crimes, Mr. Zarwid throws their cards at the children and transports them into the magical world of Fake Medieval Times. Nary a serving wench is in sight, but plenty of made up things are around them in the dark, made-up world. The kids are very upset at being thrown into another world, but I don't know why they're surprised by their tormentor's actions. I mean, I always knew Mr. Wizard had something malevolent going on:

Wiz.jpg[11]

The kids walk around and discover a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell them no, or where to go, or say they're only dreaming (Although...).[12] But after an exciting action sequence involving hay, they do meet up some creatures called Jekels who want to eat them. Now, it's been a long time since I was in sixth grade, but I don't recall being taught anything about cannibalistic creatures that don't exist. However, Kyle keeps chiming in with facts about their new mythical overlords. So the reader gets bon mots like "Jekels always kill their food before they eat it"-- which admittedly sounds like common sense for creatures both real and imagined, but still. The Jekels ask the kids if they are sorcerers, and Connor corrects them-- They're not sorcerers, they've been conjured into the Jekel's world by a sorcerer. A, this answer doesn't go over very well with the Jekels and B, can you by this point see why it took so damn long for me to actually bother reading this thing?

The Jekels serve up a steaming hot cup o' poison to Connor as a test. If he drinks the poison and dies, he's telling the truth about being a "kid." If he floats, he's a witch.[13] Before Connor can be poisoned, a dragon shows up and distracts the Jekels. The cup of poison is jostled away from Connor's mouth. Connor licks his lips afterwards, begging the question: Why would anyone ever lick their lips after narrowly avoiding a poisoning?

The kids make their escape and run through a cornfield. I know what you're thinking to yourself: "How am I supposed to suspend belief long enough to accept that someone who looks like Olivia Wilde would ever go through the work of becoming a doctor?"[14] But you might also be thinking: "Why are there cornfields in made-up medieval land?" And the answer to at least one of these thoughts is, there aren't fields of corn stalks. No, there are fields of Stelks.

Stelks.

Creatures called Stelks.
Who look like stalks.
And are well-known by Kyle.

Stelks.

If you, like me, think this would be a good time to stop reading the book, I have good news for you: The book ends here. Sort of. See, and this is what some of you were warning me against, on page 86 (Which is too clever to have been intentional)[15] the story grinds to a halt with the following bolded text:

YOU FINISH THE STORY.

And now the book gets really half-assedly meta as the reader is introduced to another male-female platonic duo, Mark and Amy. Mark has just read the first 86 pages we read and is very upset at being forced to use his imagination. In what might be the single stupidest moment in the history of literature, Mark discovers an entire pack of cards hidden behind the back flap of the book's dust jacket. "Stelks" sounds pretty damn clever now, doesn't it?

Amy and Mark decide to play the card game he just read about. To the surprise of (God willing) no one, these two are also transported into the made-up medieval world. They get caught in a net and are almost shoved into an oven until Mark grabs one of their aggressor's dogs and threatens to throw it into the fire. Man, now that's what I call a frankfurter![16] These kids escape and meet up with the other kids Mark had previously only read about. Mark mournfully laments the fact that he wasn't reading any other book.

A massive group of mythical beasts start chasing the quintet of kids and the children eventually find themselves led on a death march towards a steep cliff. As they near the end of their journey, Mark remembers reading about how Connor put the Wizard card in his pocket. Since they can't put the cards back in the deck to take them home, maybe they can break the spell and beat the wizard by destroying his card. Um, don't they realize that nobody beats the Wiz?[17]

Before Mark can destroy the card, it gets picked up in a gust and goes over the edge of the cliff. Mark naturally dives in after the card and somehow falls faster than the object that was dropped from the same height. Did RL Stine really forget the only science lesson anyone even remembers from elementary school? Wait, don't answer, because...

YOU FINISH THE STORY.

But the Finish is:
Yes, a third platonic duo is introduced. Ross is upset that the book he just read didn't have an ending. His friend Brenda suggests he just take it back to the garage sale where he bought it. Ross does exactly that and Mr. Wardiz offers to trade him a deck of cards for the incomplete book as an exchange.

LET ME FINISH THE STORY.

Ross goggled[18] at the deck of cards and suddenly remembered he was in an RL Stine book.
"Why couldn't you have put me in one of the Monster Bloods so I could hang out with Andy," he asked the sky.
RL Stine suddenly appeared from behind a parted cloud. He rode down from the heavens on a gilded yacht, his vessel steered by eight werewolves and one dog who it turns out used to be a child or something.[19] The author's vehicle hovered over the small boy, who let out a cry of shock.
"Why are you so scared of me," the author asked his creation, "I haven't even provided this encounter with my requisite twist ending yet. Are you merely anticipating the thrills and chills my next book will contain?"
"Oh you have another book coming out? There's a shocker."
RL Stine grinned a grinning grin, as he did not understand jokes made at his expense. "Yes, and one day my number one fan Troy Steele will give it the proper cultural context it deserves!"
"So... what's your next book about," Ross asked.
"Oh I don't know, it's not due at my editor's until Thursday."
"But today is Tuesday."
"I know, Frasier's on later."
"But two days? How can that possibly be enough time to come up with your next book?" "What happened to that cowering in terror thing you had going on," RL Stine asked. "That was a lot better than this question stuff."
"I'm just saying th--"
"YOU'RE REALLY A VAMPIRE BAT AND THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY A CAVE AND THE SUN IS A SUN CAVE."

But the Twist is:
And then the cave wash cost five dollars.[20]

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationships:
tl;dr[21]

Questionable Parenting:
Connor's parents are so concerned with whether or not Connor heard the destruction next door that they forget to offer any help to their stricken neighbors.

Inherit the Wind[22] Alert:
The children suspect that the caged monkey kept by Mr. Zarwid was at one point a human being, but Zarwid insists that the monkey was always a monkey. So, what is that exactly, Reverse Evolution?

RL Stine Shows He is Down With the Kids:
In the grand tradition of video games and gardening, card games can finally take their rightful place in the pantheon of horror.

Stelks:
Stelks

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Hall of Fame Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 2/3:
Kyle freaks out because something is horribly wrong. Only... gotcha! That's it, he just says "Gotcha!"

Great Prose Alert:
The Krel has called together an army of two thousand elf fishermen.

Conclusions:
Finally, a Goosebumps book for those who found Legend of the Lost Legend too cerebral.

Comments[edit | edit source]

An annotated list of blog comments that received official replies can be found here.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Costa-Gavras is a famous Greek director whose films are very political. This specifically refers to Z, a 1969 film satirizing the political climate of Greece at the time.
  2. Magic: The Gathering was the first trading card game produced, and still continues to thrive in the modern age. It's very similar to this Goosebumps book's card game Be Afraid.
  3. Tim Conway starred in a series of films (the first being Dorf on Golf) as Dorf, a Swedish golf instructor midget.
  4. This is a bait-and-switch - Jumanji has similar themes to this Goosebumps novel, revolving around a board game that summons creatures into reality, but then Troy references Patch Adams (a biopic of sorts about a clown cheering up kids in hospitals) instead.
  5. Bob Knight, former coach of the Indiana Hoosiers, was infamous for being combative with the press.
  6. In the 1995 slasher film I Know What You Did Last Summer, four teenagers are stalked by a vengeful killer dressed in a yellow raincoat, like the fisherman mascot of seafood company Gorton’s of Gloucester.
  7. 52 Pickup is a prank that utilizes a standard deck of cards. Pranksters ask their victims if they would like to play the game "52 Pickup." If the victim agrees, the prankster will throws all 52 cards onto the ground.
  8. A cliche that usually involves a Bible or other similar objects.
  9. A reference to the decline of newspapers. This topic grew to relevance with the widespread adoption of the internet and was especially topical in 2009.
  10. Breaking and entering.
  11. This is a picture of Don Herbert, who hosted the children's science television series Watch Mr. Wizard and Mr. Wizard's World. It was very successful and influential in the field.
  12. These are lyrics from "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin.
  13. During the witch trials in Salem, it was believed that drowning suspects could produce evidence that they were witches: if they were, Satan would save them by making them float.
  14. This refers to the TV series House - Wilde plays Thirteen, who becomes part of the titular doctor's diagnostics team when his original team disbands.
  15. "86" is slang for abruptly evicting something (usually an unwanted bar patron).
  16. Oh look, another bait-and-switch. The sentence obviously sets itself up to end with "hot dog."
  17. This is a YouTube video showing a clip from the Seinfeld episode "The Junk Mail", where Elaine briefly dates a man who portrayed the mascot for The Wiz, a real-life store using this catchphrase.
  18. This is a callback to the entry for Say Cheese and Die!, where Troy is bewildered at the book's use of this word.
  19. The twist of My Hairiest Adventure and a running gag on the blog.
  20. A reference to Troy's review of Calling All Creeps!, where he's horribly distraught at the idea of a car wash costing $5.
  21. Internet slang for "too long; didn't read." In other words, there were too many examples to bother listing.
  22. One of the most famous movies based on the Scopes trials - heavily engineered cases dealing with the issue of teaching religion in schools.