Full Moon Fever
Full Moon Fever
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Book information
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Troy begins to develop a sense of ennui concerning the quality of the Series 2000 line. Also: a musical number!
Transcript[edit | edit source]
Front Tagline: Hairy Halloween!
Brief Synopsis
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Slightly Less Brief Synopsis
On the list of things I don't want to do, "Write about Full Moon Fever" falls just below "Write Full Moon Fever." Just. There's a spooky cabin in the woods, Halloween trick-or-treating, and a peculiar moment where the sibling subjects of the book are served a plate of snack cakes for dinner by Grandpa John. All show potential as good Goosebumps material and/or grounds for a CSPI[1] protest.
Unfortunately, about thirty pages in, Stine transforms his preteen characters into hideous beasts at the hands of a neighborhood witch. And so what could have been a decent book quickly devolves into fantasy child abuse redux, this time with fur. But this Fur has no bangs[2] to ease the bitter pill of its execution. No, this book carries on for another eighty pages with exchanges like this, which is disgusting enough in context to resist invoking an Out of Context Text Alert:
I could go for a tasty dog right now, I thought, feeling my stomach grumble.
I imagined the soft fur against my tongue, the warm meat sliding down my throat.
And squirrel slurping, earthworm eating, rat repasting, human arm harm, etc. These little beasts raise quite a repulsive ruckus. Forget the kids getting abused and the animals getting eaten, where's the public watchdog for the poor reader who has to slog through this garbage? There's whippings, children being carried around in mini dog kennels, heckling, and various other examples of unpleasantness. The book doesn't even have the guts to make the kids werewolves, because that would at least require some restraint in terms of following the made-up werewolf rules of previous Goosebumps entries.
In order to pad the page-length, there is also an extended sequence involving a disguised character named Wolf that makes the List of Adrian Messenger[3] look competent retroactively. Add to this the world's longest and least-likely visit with grandpa and an ending line that instructs the only sane response to and subsequent way to recover from the book:
Curse bar.[4]
Perhaps you find this somewhat abridged review to be unfair. Perhaps you think I owe a full-on summary of a book where the twist ending involves a character misreading the names of various candies. I disagree. I'm nearing the end of my run of this series. Guys and dolls,[5] if you have any doubts as to how I feel about nearing that milestone via this book, allow me:
Ask me how do I feel
Ask me now that we're nearing the ending
Well sir, all I can say is if I were a check you'd be payingFrom the moment Stine killed tonight
That last hope I had for a save
Boy, if Goosebumps were dead I'd fight
To make it stay put in the graveAsk me how do I feel, little me with my quip-happy blogging
Well sir, all I can say is if I weren't great I'd be quitting!
And if I were this book I'd start stopping my reading
Or if I were Scholastic I'd know when to stop printingAsk me how do I feel from this "Do Not Do" lesson I'm learning
Well sir, all I can say is if I were a bridge game I'd be folding!
Yes, I knew my morale wouldn't last
From the woeful way the book looked!
Boy, if this were a meal I'd fast!
Only if I were a fish I'd be hooked!Ask me how do I feel, ask me now that the moment is coming
When if I were Vegas I'd know there's no payout for sucking
Ask me how to describe the whole damnable outlook
Well, if you were a car wash you'd cost five dollars, book.
MERRY HAPPIDAYS, EVERYONE!
Comments[edit | edit source]
An annotated list of blog comments that received official replies can be found here.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The Center for Science in the Public Interest is a watchdog group concerned for the public's nutrition and health - they're particularly vicious on transfats.
- ↑ This links to a still from Fur, a 2006 film concerning the (mostly fake) exploits of photographer-of-the-odd Diana Arbus. She was played by Nicole Kidman, whose hair has a fringe on top.
- ↑ This 1963 flop film had several famous celebrities heavily disguised with makeup as a marketing gimmick.
- ↑ As in, curse the book, then recover at a bar.
- ↑ This links to "If I Were a Bell", a song from the musical Guys and Dolls. This reference doubles as a callback to Troy's review of Phantom of the Auditorium. For posterity's sake, the original lyrics are:
Ask me how do I feel
Ask me now that we’re cosy and clinging
Well sir, all I can say, is if I were a bell I’d be ringing!From the moment we kissed tonight
That’s the way I’ve just gotta behave
Boy, if I were a lamp I’d light
And If I were a banner I’d wave!
Ask me how do I feel, little me with my quiet upbringing
Well sir, all I can say is if gate I’d be swinging!
And if I were a watch I’d start popping my springs!
Or if I were a bell I’d go ding dong, ding dong ding!Ask me how do I feel from this chemistry lesson I’m learning.
Well sir, all I can say is if I were a bridge I’d be burning!Yes, I knew my moral would crack
From the wonderful way that you looked!
Boy, if I were a duck I’d quack!
Or if I were a goose I’d be cooked!Ask me how do I feel, ask me now that we’re fondly caressing
Well, if I were a salad I know I’d be splashing my dressing
Ask me how to describe this whole beautiful thing
Well, if I were a bell I’d go ding dong, ding dong ding!
