The Saint (Phillip Noyce 1997)

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The Saint
Thesaint1.png
Released:
April 4, 1997
Blog date:
November 13, 2011 (~13 years ago.)
Preceded by:
Followed by:

The second of four entries to Shuelogy, Troy covers an action thriller.

Cast[edit | edit source]

Transcript[edit | edit source]

What's Going On Based on a popular book/radio/film/TV series, this film/film/film/film adaptation of Leslie Charteris' gallivanting gadabout shows the evolution of the masculine hero Simon Templar, and folks, the road from George Sanders[1] to Val Kilmer has one hell of a low shoulder. Kilmer's mercenary jack of all trades finds himself stealing from and then stealing for an aspiring Russian political candidate/evil millionaire oil magnate. Intrigue allegedly follows. So does an ill-informed and rather uncomfortable romance between Kilmer and his victim, an electrochemist on the verge of perfecting Cold Fusion (played by an Elisabeth Shue on the verge of perfecting bad post-Oscar nom[2] career choices). They should really just film movies like this with the basic cable station's tags already imbedded in the corner of the frame. But what life lessons and philosophies can we take from the Saint?

Rape Is Romantic

The plot of the Saint hinges on a pretty vile "seduction" wherein Kilmer beds Shue's electrochemist in order to gain access to the contents of her bra. To do this, he breaks into her apartment, quickly catalogs her personality based on a five minute walk through (if someone did this for me, they'd be aiding their seduction mostly with unread mail), and then poses (literally) as a "sensitive" Fabio doppelgänger,[3] lounging in front of a statue. Kilmer's ideal poet, "Thomas More,"[4] leaves Shue wanting additional quantities. The two share the night together, but not before the filmmakers halfheartedly try to deflect the inherent ickiness of the scenario by having Kilmer feel really bad about emotionally raping Shue. Not bad enough to not do it, but golly, he's sort of kinda sad about it!!! Of course, even though Kilmer and her secret formulas are nowhere to be found come morning, the connection the two shared was just too sweet to let silly things like the entire basis of their relationship hinging on a self-centered and destructive lie that betrays both her and her career stand in her way, and Shue proceeds to pursue a cringe-inducing romance with the lying lothario.[5]

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Obviously rape is no longer the relationship deal-breaker society has led us to believe. Even just lying a lot about important things will probably help most relationships.

The Safest Place to Store Important Hand-Written Documents is Nestled Against One of the Sweatiest Parts of Your Body

Like most electrochemists, Shue's character keeps her Important Formulas on scraps of paper, which she folds up and stuff into her bra. Besides explaining why laymen often confuse preteen girls with electrochemists, Shue's actions betray what science has long known: no personal space on a beautiful woman is less likely to be compromised by potential spies and saboteurs than the breasts. Because spies and saboteurs are perfect gentlemen, you cretins. I mean, except the one in this film. Dude's a total dick.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application All important papers, such as leases, contracts, binding legal agreements, favorite recipes, and Amazon shipping invoices,[6] should be kept securely within your bra at all times. At no point should you ever let long-haired poets near the top-half of your body.

The Secret to Being a Master of Disguise Is Never Ever Blending In, Not Even Once

Kilmer's Templar is a master of disguise, if that term also extends to not exhibiting mastery of disguise. Among his assorted "dupes" are a thick-voiced Spanish Lover, an effeminate German Homosexual, and a slovenly bald-capped Guy With Obvious Bald-Cap. You know, just some of the many typical larger-than-life characters we all encounter on any average day. Novices might think the key to disguising oneself is to disguise oneself, drawing attention away from our more recognizable features and focusing on universal traits to make us indistinguishable from the populace at-large. "Novice Silly," as Kilmer might say in a Navajo accent while wearing warpaint and a beaded headband.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Should you ever find yourself on the lam, disguise yourself within the confines of a motley poncho or a neon lycra bodysuit. If approached, speak in an obtuse accent to draw attention away from your assorted facial wigs. If not approached, approach whoever you are avoiding and do same.


Always Use an Easily-Detectable Pattern When Selecting a False Name


I know that most of us when pressed to present a false name probably say, "Troy Steele," because almost all of you aren't me and my name sounds cool and I'm an "Internet "Celebrity"" and it's short and easy to remember and when filling out forms it fits perfectly on the line after "Name". There's something to be said about picking a catchy fake name. Calling yourself something like Humbersmith Whynesome Randstooth III is probably going to get hard to remember on the third or fourth pass. And calling yourself exactly like Humbersmith Whynesome Randstooth III definitely will. But what if you have to have a constant supply of fake names at your disposal? As someone who joined the Columbia House Records Club countless times, I can tell you that there's only so many variations on my name out there. Obviously Kilmer has the right idea by using a patterned bank of available names, here well-known Catholic Saints, for his rotating stable of pseudonyms. He even evades anyone in law enforcement ever noticing, which is probably Insightful Religious Commentary. Of course, it takes Elisabeth Shue's character all of fifteen seconds to catch the pattern, but I think so long as you don't let whoever Elisabeth Shue is playing in your life find out two or more of your fake names, you'll be fine.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Pick strings of names that are easily rememberable, like Presidents or State Capitals.

Ex. 1 (Ladies) "Who am I? Why, my name is Georgia Washington/Joan Adams/Tonya Jefferson/Jane Madison/&c"[7]
Ex. 2 (Gents) "Who am I? Why, my name is Des Iowa/Frank Kentucky/August Maine/Jack Mississippi/&c"[8]


A Coup d'état[9] Can Be Halted With a Light Bulb, or When Things Get Tough, Just Invent Cold Fusion

My work in the field of world politics is well-known, and as such I can say that the coup outlined in this film makes complete and total sense: Deprive an entire nation of heating oil, then sit back and watch angry citizens get frustrated enough to throw out the existing government and implement the oil baron who created the drought in the first place. Genius. But like most coups, this perfect plan is undone by the sudden existence of Cold Fusion, a process by which a light bulb is lit on stage, sending the armed crowd of dissidents into sudden upheaval against those responsible for the failed coup. Cold Fusion presumably has other positive uses for the people of Russia and the world, but that light bulb thing's enough, I think.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Nothing sends an angry mob into upheaval faster than lit light bulbs. If you must address a violent crowd, be sure to do it in complete darkness. Also, try not to be the reason they're mad.

Being the Only Likable Person Can Save Your Life

As if weren't [sic] bad enough to be shoehorned into a thankless victim role, poor Elisabeth Shue was killed in the original cut of the film, a homicidal act which inspired Kilmer's Saint to avenge her death via elaborate action sequences and eventually vow to change his ways. But for some reason audiences didn't like the only recognizably human character in the film getting murdered. So, according to the always reliable Wikipedia [citation needed],[10][Note 1] the entire last third of the film was reshot to give her a happy ending-- well, comparatively happy, I guess.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When finding yourself within a scenario in which you might potentially die, weigh the danger with your innate likability.

Ex. Your car spins out of control on an icy overpass. Quickly look to your passengers and attempt to figure out if you are more or less sympathetic than they are. If they're all jerks, let go of the wheel: what do you have to worry about?


Love Is Better Than Money, Even All the Money

So, you've just mastered the process of Cold Fusion, a process that will make you the richest person on Earth. Naturally, you give it away for free to test whether your rapist loves you or your fortune. I don't think even Val Kilmer loves Val Kilmer that much.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Always offer your assailant a choice between either spending your life together or untold billions of dollars. Cross fingers.

[Note 2]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. We changed the text slightly to better fit this wiki's formatting (and for legibility). Originally it looked more like this: [citation needed]
  2. Originally, it linked to an older upload, but the video has gone to meet its maker. (We know the original video was 2 minutes and 14 seconds, which is nearly the same length as this newer upload.)

References[edit | edit source]

  1. George Sanders was a British-born actor best known for his suave and urbane roles, such as those seen in The Picture of Dorian Gray and All About Eve.
  2. Elisabeth Shue was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress in 1995 for her role in the drama film Leaving Las Vegas.
  3. Fabio is an Italian-born actor and model known for his long, flowing hair and his frequent appearances in commercials and romance novel covers.
  4. Riffing on Thomas Moore.
  5. A "Lothario" is a character in literature who is known for using his charm and good looks to seduce women, often selfishly and irresponsibly.
  6. Amazon shipping invoices are documents that detail the items purchased and the cost of shipping them to the customer. (I'll assume you're already familiar with Amazon.)
  7. Gender bent versions of United States presidents: George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison.
  8. U.S. states and their respective capital cities: Des Moines, Iowa/Frankfort, Kentucky/Augusta, Maine/Jackson, Mississippi.
  9. A coup d'état is the sudden overthrow of a government by a small group of people.
  10. [Citation needed] is a tag used on Wikipedia to indicate that an assertion or claim needs to be supported by a reliable source.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • This was posted the same day as the previous entry. In fact, it was posted a mere 1 minute after the previous entry. (10:01AM vs 10:02AM.)